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Family Stories Tip #1: Just Start

12/23/2014

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PictureRockin' the latkes!
Last week I spoke to Chabad Santa Fe's women's group on the subject of collecting family stories.

Since it was their annual Hanukah party, the evening started with latkes (potato pancakes) and sufganiyot (jelly donuts), and other yummies to commemorate the “miracle of the oil” that marks the holiday. Children lit the menorah and sang traditional songs, so the celebration was anchored — as holidays are in all cultures — by food, music and ritual.

The rabbi’s wife had prepared a talk on the meaning of Hanukah, but so many women wanted to share childhood memories of Hanukah that she yielded her time to their impromptu stories.

One woman recalled wanting a Christmas tree so badly that she managed to get herself invited to all her friends’ houses so she could decorate their trees. A retired teacher told of introducing multiculturalism in her Texas school’s celebrations. A woman wore her mother’s “Hanukah vest,” embroidered with menorahs and dreidels, to honor the woman died at this time of year and remembering the lessons she gave her.

All this of course primed the pump for my talk. Since I know how daunting it can be to capture a family member’s life on paper, I always try to keep my suggestions upbeat. I emphasize that any stories we gather are more than we would have otherwise, to focus on the possibilities.

But at the end of the evening, a woman put her hand on my arm as her eyes welled with tears. “I wish I’d asked my father more about growing up in Vienna before the Holocaust,” she said. “I never got a chance, and now those stories are gone.” I could tell from the weight of her word “gone” that there were no other living family members who could tell her more about her father before she was born.

This is a blunt truth about family stories: They won’t be here forever. Family names and birth dates may exist in genealogical databases, but the stories only live while the people do, unless we get them down.

My mom’s mother was the family Wikipedia. She could name everyone in the family photo albums, tell us how they were related, and share anecdotes about them, until shortly before her body gave out at 99. Then access to the Grandma database was closed.

Which leads me to the first of the four suggestions I outlined in my last post:

Start anywhere you want, but start.

* People don’t live forever, and memories don’t last forever. Don’t wait for the perfect time or place to ask your family members to tell you their stories. Pick a good-enough time and place, and jump in.  

* Choose a spot where your relative will be comfortable. For some, this will be alone with you in the living room. Others will be more talkative around the dinner table at a family meal.  

* Decide what period of your relative’s life you most want to know about. Childhood? First impressions of America? Starting a family? Surviving a particular familial or political event? Start there.

* Prepare a preliminary list of questions, but allow it to change. One memory will lead to another, most certainly not in chronological order. Let them flow. You can decide later how to put them in order.

* Objects can trigger memories: photo albums, family heirlooms, clothing, recipes, kitchen utensils.

* Everyone has memories of food! What types of foods did they eat as a child? What foods did they want but couldn't have? What foods did they miss when they left home?

* Ask about milestones: Coming to America. The birth of their children. When they met their spouse. Death of a parent. World events.

* Ask about traditions: How did they commemorate holidays, deaths, births, weddings, coming-of-age?

* Ask what they know about their parents and ancestors, how long they lived in the old country, or origins of the family name.

To start, you don't even need to set up a formal interview. If Grandma launches a great story in the kitchen as she’s making meatballs, pull out your smart phone and hit the start button on the recorder, or scribble notes on a napkin. Seize the moment.

Your loved one’s stories will take you on a journey you can’t map out before you start. Hang on and enjoy the ride.


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Bombardiers & Lucky Bastards: Tips for Collecting Family Stories

12/12/2014

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Picture
When Laurie was growing up back in the 50s and 60s, her father used to get together about once a year with his best friend — Laurie’s godfather, the man her father just called “my bombardier” — and get pie-faced drunk.

“These two would go into the living room, shut the door, and get trashed,” Laurie said. “It was the only time my father drank. Maybe he had a beer now and then, but this was Scotch. It was probably what they drank over there. I was just a kid and I would think, ‘What could they be talking about all this time?’ ”

“Over there” was Europe. Laurie’s father was the lead navigator on fighter planes during World War II, and his friend was the bombardier.

“I think it must have been German bomb factories that they were bombing, but I’m not sure,” Laurie said. “I have all these papers but I don’t know all the names and what they mean. But from what I read, he was truly a hero. He was a member of something they called the Lucky Bastard Club, for the guys who flew a lot of missions. That’s really what it was called. He got an actual certificate as a member of the Lucky Bastard Club, signed by all of the bigs.”

Laurie didn’t hear any of her father's stories from him. She didn’t know he had great stories to tell. It was only when she was going through his papers after he died that she began to learn about his accomplishments, through newspaper articles about himself that he had saved, along with medals and commendations.

"Then I figured out what they must have been talking about," she speculated about her father and godfather on those Scotch-soaked afternoons. “They must have been going through each one of their missions! And nobody else would hear anything.”

People have diverse reasons not to talk about their past.

Sometimes there was just too much trauma, particularly for those who survived war or were forced to leave home to escape religious or ethnic violence.

Sometimes there's grief, modesty, shame or regret.

Sometimes, a person with fascinating memories just doesn't know anyone is interested. Laurie figures her father just didn’t believe anyone but his old war buddy would care to hear his wartime experiences and feelings. By the time she discovered how interested she was in his war experiences, she didn’t have a chance to tell him.

When I teach my “Writing the Family” classes, I offer a few very simple suggestions (which I’ll be elaborating on in upcoming blog posts) for discovering your family stories:

* Start anywhere you want, but start. People don’t live forever, and memories don’t last forever. A list of questions and a quiet time to talk can be helpful, but don’t wait for the perfect circumstances (which will probably elude you anyway).

* Use technology; don’t be enslaved by it. Smartphone apps, voice recognition software,
ancestry websites, online databases, camcorders, microphones, genealogical tests, family tree programs… new tools are available all the time. Choose the ones that are useful to you and skip the rest.

* Don’t expect to "get it all." A common regret I hear from people who write about family is the sense that they didn’t do their loved one justice; there was simply too much to include, or too many missing pieces. You're right: It’s impossible to capture a whole person on paper, but whatever anecdotes and information you gather will honor your heritage
--and will most likely be new to your readers.

Now in honor of Laurie and her dad, I’ll add a fourth:

* Care. Be curious. Ask. Listen. Your interest, and encouragement, are the keys that will open the vault to your family’s stories—your family’s treasure.

Stay tuned for future blog posts where I'll go into more detail about each of these suggestions.


 

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    Author

    Claudette E. Sutton is the author of “Farewell, Aleppo: My Father, My People, and Their Long Journey Home,” published in 2014 by Terra Nova Books. She is also the editor and publisher of Tumbleweeds, an award-winning quarterly newspaper for families in Santa Fe, New Mexico, that she created in 1995. She lives in Santa Fe with her husband, son and cat.

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